There are two areas that most concern leaders today;  the long term well-being of their company, and their own personal health.  Fortunately, Leaders can maximize both by becoming emotionally intelligent.

 

Based upon my experience, and the results of several studies,  Leaders with emotional intelligence, produce better bottom lines.   Leaders with qualities such as empathy, ability to manage moods, and self-awareness, in short, emotional intelligence, have demonstrated increased profits (Boyatzix, 1999), less turnover (Spencer et. al., 1999), and increased production (Pesuric and  Byham, 1996).

 

Not so incidentally,  people who manage moods well, a characteristic of emotional intelligence, are 50 times more likely to be alive 15 years later, than those with low self-regulation skills.  Individuals instructed on how to recognize signs of stress and manage moods  had a 75% reduction in cardiac risk compared to those not receiving the training (Blumenthal J, et al.,1997).

 

Because leaders with emotional intelligence are self-aware, they have fewer blind spots than most people, and can draw upon a broad  range of  emotions and personality traits to solve problems.  Emotional Intelligence favors the development of a “Survivor Personality”.   Individuals fitting this personality profile are actually made stronger by extremely difficult circumstances.

 

THE VULNERABLE HEART

 

Jerry Junkins of Texas Instruments, and Vin Prothro of Dallas Semiconductor,  were two  prominent CEO’s who suffered fatal heart attacks.  Neither leader had a history of heart disease, and both died at the relatively young age of 58.  Well known executives from companies like IBM, Coca Cola, and Disney have suffered non-fatal heart attacks, necessitating long recoveries.   Our current Vice President, Dick Cheney suffered several heart attacks while CEO of Haliburton. 

 

Alarmingly, about half the time, the traditional risk factors or warning signals of heart disease are not present.  That is, there is no evidence of high cholesterol, obesity, smoking, excessive drinking, family history, or lack of exercise, to explain why heart disease occurs in about half the cases.  Remarkably, many individuals with all kinds of traditional risk factors present, never develop heart disease. .

 

 This year alone, approximately 1.5 million Americans will have a heart attack, the major manifestation of heart disease.  A third of these heart attacks will be fatal.  The economic impacts of heart disease are staggering; estimated to be over $150 billion a year.   For a  corporation faced with the sudden loss of its leader, the costs in human capital alone are incalculable.

 

 Is there  a hidden factor that can be protective to leaders who have one or more of the traditional risk factors for heart disease?  Asked another way, is there  a hidden factor that accounts for heart attacks in those leaders who have none of the traditional risk factors?  Emotional Intelligence is the hidden factor, having protective qualities when present, and damaging potential in its absence.

 

EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

 

Daniel Goleman has been credited with bringing emotional intelligence to public attention, with his publication of Emotional Intelligence in 1995.  The concept refers to proficiency in five general areas:

 

 1) Self awareness ( recognizing a feeling as it happens)

 2) Managing emotions (handling feelings so that they are appropriate; realizing what’s behind a feeling)

 3) Motivating oneself ( emotional self control; delaying gratification; channeling emotions to reach goal)

 4) Empathy ( sensitivity to others’ feelings and concerns, and ability to take their perspective)

 5) Handling relationships (managing emotions in others, social competence).

 

 A leader high in emotional intelligence is aware of his feelings, thoughts and values.  Socially poised, empathic, responsible, such a leader is not  prone to emotional storms, intellectual rationalization or situationally determined values. These leaders have rich emotional lives.  They are comfortable with themselves, others and the social universe they are in.  Leaders like this are not only  well adjusted, they are physically healthy. 

 

THE BENEFITS OF EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

 

By now, most executives have accepted that emotional intelligence is as critical as IQ to an individuals’s effectiveness.  In my work as an executive coach,  I  spent a full year training senior level leaders from companies such as McDonalds, Sovereign Bank, Penske, and American National Power,  to become more authentic, more empathic and less defensive, hallmarks of emotional intelligence. 

 

It  is my belief that leaders who demonstrate emotional intelligence, are more likely to remain healthy, despite increased pressures and stresses in today’s rapidly changing environment.   Even in those cases where one or more  traditional risk factors for heart disease are present, emotional intelligence can cut the risk of a major heart event. 

 

On the other side of the coin, leaders who lack emotional intelligence, are at increased risk of  damaging their health.  This is because these leaders are under continuous bombardment of  stress hormones which effect the heart adversely.  Furthermore, they often  behave in ways which isolate them from the healing powers of close, personal relationships.  Finally, leaders who are deficient in emotional intelligence,  frequently engage in health reducing behaviors.  Such behaviors are often the result of unmanaged emotions.  

 

THE SURVIVOR PERSONALITY AND THE IMPORTANCE OF VALUES              

 

Research conducted with people who have survived the most adverse of circumstances, war time paratrooper survivors and concentration camp survivors, reveals two characteristics in common.  First, is the importance that values take on in their personalities. 

 

In general, values remain relatively constant in the personality, while intellect can change at the speed of thought, and emotions change at the speed of impulse.  In addition, because values transcend the individual, they provide a source of continuity and stability during extremely stressful times.  Victor Frankl, author of Man’s Search for Meaning, found that many of his fellow concentration camp survivors were made stronger by adversity because the extreme conditions forced them to clarify their values.

 

A second characteristic common to these survivors is that they were able to draw upon a wide range of emotions and personality traits. This ability made them more adaptive in social situations and enabled them to develop life saving support systems under extreme conditions.  Al Seibert, author of  The Survivor Personality, a former paratrooper,  found that the most prominent  feature of the survivor personality was its paradoxical  nature.

 

 Survivor personalities are made up of opposite personality traits.   Paradoxically, they can be both fierce and gentle, generous and selfish, logical and intuitive, powerful and vulnerable, rigid and flexible.  To have access to opposite sides of the personality is an extremely adaptive emotional capacity.   A  personality  that tolerates opposites within itself, is more tolerant of others, less defensive, more flexible, and ultimately healthier than a personality composed of narrow traits.  The more diversity and variety existing within a system, the greater the ability to cope outside the system. 

 

Peter Koestenbaum, well known corporate consultant, believes that a major attribute of the “leadership mind” is the ability to manage the inevitable polarities of life.  The authentic leader’s mind is spacious, having ample room for conflicting feelings, contradictory ideas, and life’s paradoxes.  Koestenbaum believes that grappling with polarities allows leaders to combat arrogant and self-indulgent illusions, leading to a humble acceptance of their strengths and limitations.

 

THE ‘AT RISK’ PERSONALITY

 

In contrast to leaders with the Survivor Personality, the At Risk leader is likely to have unipolar personality traits. He will more likely demonstrate one side of a paradoxical personality trait; rigid instead of rigid and flexible, logical instead of logical and intuitive, tough instead of tough and tender.   Such a leader will extol the virtues of being “consistent”, without awareness that valuable segments of his personality are simply unavailable to him.  Leaders who are either one way or the other are less adaptable in difficult circumstances than leaders who are both one way and the other. 

 

Leaders with unipolar personality traits are less able to empathize with employees who have different personality makeups.  Some of the costs to such a leader include lowered morale, lack of trust, decreased generation of new ideas, and employee turnover.  Disowning one side of a paradoxical personality trait does not make it go away.  To the contrary, the “forbidden” personality trait keeps trying to break through defenses, and this creates anxiety, stress and near continuous adrenaline spill, all of which are bad for the heart.  The unipolar leader who denies or distances himself from sections of his personality has “blindspots” which leave him vulnerable to employee and health problems. 

 

Blindspots represent aspects of the personality which have been “disowned” by the leader.  A leader may disown, deny or submerge those aspects of ourselves that his parents, teachers, and later his peers disapprove of.  For example, he may have suppressed his “tender” side because in growing up, he was humiliated or shamed whenever tender feelings were displayed.  Yet, by presenting himself as a  “tough”leader,  he may distance himself from others, create mistrust among his employees and deprive himself of  the health benefits which accrue from close relationships.  Allowing opposite traits like toughness and tenderness to exist within the same personality, strengthens the personality, making it less susceptible to a heart event.

 

Investigators studying  coronary artery disease, found that those individuals who were classified as “rigid” in their personality make-up, increased their risk for a heart attack .  Other researchers studying sudden cardiac arrest found that non-expression of emotions elevated the risk of a heart attack.  Finally, in a classic study entitled “The Cardiovascular Effects of Defensiveness”, it was determined that persons who underreport, deny or suppress negative emotions are at increased risk of high blood pressure and heart attacks.  Leaders who cannot manage emotions and who are defensive,  lack emotional intelligence.  These leaders are more likely to have “at risk” personalities affecting their productivity and their health.

 

 

THE CASE OF JOHN HUNTER

 

The life of  eighteenth century English surgeon John Hunter provides a fascinating illustration of how the lack of emotional intelligence can be fatal.  Hunter’s life has been well documented.  He had little formal education, and never received a formal medical degree.  He was described as insecure about his background, and was driven by an almost insatiable need to prove himself.  He worked constantly, ignored his personal life and began to suffer angina by age 45, bought on by “affections of the mind”.

 

 Hunter became the foremost surgeon in London, employed more than 50 people, owned several homes, and was appointed Surgeon Extraordinary to the King.  Yet despite his worldly success, things were not right in his interpersonal relationships. Hunter “depressed the merit of others and exalted his own”.  He estranged himself from others, hated his equals, vented his feelings in no uncertain terms.  At a hospital board meeting, after being contradicted by a colleague, he gave a deep groan and “dropt down dead.” Sometime before the fateful board meeting, in a statement of supreme irony, Hunter had said that his life was “in the hands of any rascal who chooses to annoy or tease me”.  

 

Hunter was a leader who lacked emotional intelligence and depth of personality.  He was untroubled by concerns about himself,  was critical, condescending,  emotionally isolated and rageful. He was unable to regulate his emotions, soothe himself or calm himself down.  He lacked empathy.  He took little comfort from social relationships.  Hunter’s lack of emotional intelligence ultimately killed him.

 

BLIND AMBITION

 

Some leaders have an intrinsic drive to perform for the sheer enjoyment of a seeing their goals realized.   They are less governed by external rewards, and would probably perform admirably, independent of  public recognition or financial incentives.  Other leaders, like John Hunter, achieve for compensatory reasons.  These leaders are often unaware of the harm that they are doing to themselves in their quest to fill some perceived void.  They buy into the idea that material symbols of success or admiration from others can shield them against self doubts, loneliness, or anxiety. 

 

Leaders who are  threatened by signs of possible inadequacy  may become controlling in order to keep from being controlled.  They may behave in  arrogant ways to avoid appearing vulnerable. Many become defensive in order to protect a fragile sense of self esteem.  In other words, these leaders emphasize one aspect of their personality while downplaying the other, the antithesis of the survivor personality. 

 

All of these behaviors have an emotional and physiological cost to the leader, as well as taking a toll on  co-workers.   Addictions to work cannot answer life’s difficult issues, nor can achievement provide fulfillment and meaning if it is compensatory.  Positive self esteem and a sense of personal security are more strongly connected to real interpersonal connectedness than to worldly accomplishment.  This connectedness cannot occur without authenticity, vulnerability and non-defensiveness, components of emotional intelligence.

 

MASKING NEGATIVE EMOTIONS

 

Many senior level executives have risen to the top by virtue of sheer intellect, will power and determination.   Self doubt, fear, anxiety, uncertainty or insecurity are some of the “negative” emotions that can be seen by these leaders as inconvenient, as obstacles to be overcome,  or as signs of weakness.

 

Too busy projecting an image of independence, strength, and self sufficiency,  many of the successful leaders I coached were unaware of the costs to their health that came with masking their “negative” emotions.  Accustomed to appearing in control, these individuals were less able to cope with sudden intense stresses such as the death of a loved one, the loss of a confidant, or a major business setback. 

 

It is as if these corporate executives had lost their ability to roll with the punches. Flexibility was  compromised by years of maintaining appearances.  Many were sitting ducks for a heart attack.  They  lacked a kind of ”inoculation” against trauma that comes with frequent exposure and appropriate handling of smaller doses of emotional arousal.  Maintaining a rigid and narrow personality, containing few if any opposite traits, leaves a person more vulnerable to unanticipated stressful situations.

 

THE PARADOX OF ACHIEVEMENT - MY OWN CASE HISTORY

 

I am an example of a leader who thankfully survived a life threatening illness, brought on in part by a lack of emotional intelligence.  I was too busy projecting  an  image, and not enough concerned with  my true self.  On the outside, I was a successful Businessman and Professional Psychologist who founded  a Managed Mental Health Care business that was later sold to Medco and Merck. 

 

 On the inside I was filled with self doubts and anxieties, that I kept hidden from myself and others. My personality was composed of a cluster of unilateral traits.  I was serious, instead of serious and playful, in control instead of  in control and spontaneous, rigid, intead of rigid and flexible.  Soon after the sale of my business, I underwent quadruple  coronary by-pass surgery,  retired from professional  practice, and wrote a book, “A Change of Heart”, published by Nova Science.

 

It was no coincidence that my illness followed soon after the achievement of financial independence.  Hiding behind a mask took its toll on my health, and this was too great cost to pay for “success”.

 

Soon after by-pass surgery, I began a period of intense introspection. I attempted to determine if there was something  about the kind of person I was being that impacted negatively upon my health. I formed the Center for Cardiac Wellness to test out my theories about the effects of emotions on the heart.  Since a significant number of my heart patients were former CEO’s, I had the opportunity to observe how brilliant leaders often sacrifice their health for the sake of “achievement”.   For the past three and a half years, I have been an Executive Coach .  This work has enabled me to pass on my ideas to industry where they have the most impact.

 

 My  Executive clients helped me to understand a paradox; the very qualities that make a person successful, can  be damaging to one’s health.  Denying  vulnerabilities,  compulsive striving for control,  extreme competitiveness, intense focus on goals, are characteristics that can as easily foster illness as success.  This is  particularly the case when the achiever is driven by forces that he is blind to.  One cannot be self aware while being driven by unconscious forces, or by masking the truth to others or yourself.

 

THREE KINDS OF MASKS

 

It seems to me that there are three kinds of masks that leaders can put on to hide perceived inadequacies; the “obvious”, the “hidden”, and the “invisible” mask.  The negative impact on the heart increases as you go down the list.  These masks create blindspots in the leader because prominent personality traits are “disowned” or denied.

 

First, is the obvious mask, the kind that mythical characters like Batman and The Lone Ranger wear.  Kids love to wear these kinds of masks. Most of us symbolically put on this kind of mask when we pretend to have great powers.  I joke with my ten year old son about my rock hard stomach and super human intelligence.  It is quite evident to both of us that I am masking the truth.  Wearing a mask like this is no more than harmless play, and is not dangerous to health.

 

The second kind of mask is less visible, and  more dangerous to our health.  I like to think of this kind of mask as having a skin color, so that others would have to look very hard to see it.  Its purpose is to hide feelings of inadequacy from others by pretending to be smarter, tougher, more competent than the person really feels.  A leader  wearing this mask may feel somewhat fraudulent, but finds a way to rationalize his behavior.  Others may sense that there is discordance between what the leader may say and his behavior.  For example, the leader may state that he is open to new ideas, but his employees may be full of bullet holes.  One leader I coached, was fearful that his felt inadequacies would surface.  His arrogance and need to control others hid his fears, but caused widespread morale issues.

 

The third type of mask does the most harm to self and others because it is completely invisible.  This mask is figuratively worn behind the eyes. The individual has no idea that the mask is present, because it is donned very early in life. The purpose of this mask is to protect the person from experiencing the negative consequences of his feelings, by blocking out the very feelings that caused him pain in the past.  For example, one CEO was unable to see himself as angry until he was confronted with the perceptions of his staff , all of whom feared his wrath.  It wasn’t difficult to discover the origins of his repressed feelings in his childhood experiences, where expressions of anger were met with extremely harsh consequences.

 

THE CASE OF DICK CHENEY

 

 Dick Cheney is a great leader.  His accomplishments are beyond dispute.  Yet, his many successes appear to have come at the expense of his health.  Could a leader be highly successful, yet put himself at risk  due to a lack of emotional literacy?

 

We all know that stress plays a major role in heart disease.  According to a Mayo Clinic study, psychological stress was the strongest predictor of future heart events in individuals with heart disease.  Yet Dick Cheney has repeatedly denied that stress played a role in  his four heart attacks, this despite the fact that his heart attacks typically occurred around the time when he was running for office, a period of intense stress.  Did he choose not to reveal the pressures that he was under, as if hiding his feelings from others?  Or was he simply not aware of the stresses that impinged upon him, as if hiding his feelings from himself?

 

Reports about the inner life of Dick Cheney are hard to come by.  Insiders refer to him as “The Sphinx” and “Deadpan Dick” because of his poker face.  Reporters have been warned to stay away from personal or emotional questions in interviews.  Friends have been quoted as saying “he doesn’t get angry, he just has heart attacks”.   There have been reports that people are afraid  of what lies beneath Cheney’s placid exterior; that he can be harsh and critical.  Mrs. Cheney has described her husband as a person who doesn’t “gush”, by which she apparently means that he doesn’t express certain (warm?) feelings.

 

Dick Cheney is a successful leader, but his accomplishments may have come at the cost of his health.  The public image he has cultivated isn’t necessarily false, as it is incomplete.  It does not allow for significant parts of himself to be expressed, or even experienced.  The public and private Dick Cheney may not be well integrated, and the stress of trying to mask his conflicting feelings, or maintain a particular image, may have contributed to his heart disease.  .

 

ARE YOU HIDING BEHIND A MASK?

 

 To determine if you are wearing a mask  ask yourself  the following questions:

 

1) Are you totally authentic in your interactions with others?  

2) Do you screen your responses to determine what you think people may want to hear, rather than act spontaneously?  

3)Are your interactions based on a full set of negative and positive feelings, easily accessed by you, and appropriately shared?

4) Do you have difficulty managing anger?

5) Do you hide your self doubts and fears?

6)Do you often put on a cheerful face to hide when you are sad or depressed?

 

Listening to the comments of people who know you well, is another way to determine if you are wearing a mask.

 

7) Do others continually ask for communication or feedback,  as if you don’t volunteer a lot of information, or share your feelings very often? 

8) Do others often attribute motives or feelings to you that seem inaccurate , as if they don’t know you very well and have to guess what drives you?

9)  Do you think that others would disapprove if they really knew who you are or what you were thinking?

10)Do others find that your feelings often override your judgment or even steamroll your values?

 

If you answered yes to many of these questions, it may be that you often hide behind a mask.

 

HIDING YOUR  FEELINGS IS BAD FOR YOUR HEALTH

 

No one would advocate the practice of making every feeling public.  Marriages would not survive if every spouse responded truthfully to such questions as “Do I look fat in this?”  The frequent expression of intense anger has been shown to have negative effects on the heart.  But habitually keeping feelings inside, particularly  negative feelings, can be damaging to your health as well.

 

 Emotionally intelligent leaders have learned to express their feelings in ways that people can hear.  Being in possession of a wide range of personality traits, they are in the best position to put themselves in other people’s shoes.  They do not create resentment in others, but rather deliver even critical messages in constructive ways.  Employees trust leaders who are authentic with their feelings, and are grounded in clear values that honor others.

 

Our fear of revealing who we really are or how we truly feel, effects the heart negatively in three ways.  First, fear of exposing our true self  leaves us vulnerable to a continuous bombardment of stress hormones.   Second,  feelings  that are not dealt with properly often lead  to behaviors that are not heart healthy.  Third, hiding who we are deprives us of the healing powers of close relationships.  Let’s take these three points one by one.

 

                1) HIDING FEELINGS CREATES STRESS

 

When you are afraid to be yourself, a good deal of energy is spent trying to appear other than you are. It takes exertion to hold up a mask or a false front to others.   Like Nathaniel Hawthorne said, “No man for any considerable period, can wear one face to himself, and another to the multitude, without finally getting bewildered as to which may be true”.

 

A major  problem with being inauthentic or defensive is that you have to be continuously on guard, lest others find out what’s really true about you.  Continuous vigilance and scanning  is stressful, leading  to activation of the central nervous system, increased blood pressure, and higher cardio-vascular reactivity and lipid levels.  Recent research demonstrated that men who had higher levels of stress were more likely to develop atherosclerosis than men with low levels of stress. 

 

                2) HIDING FEELINGS  INTERFERES WITH  HEALTHY BEHAVIORS

 

Some people hide their feelings as if they are in a poker game, not wanting to reveal their hand in order to gain some advantage.  Others have kept a poker face so long, that they themselves lose touch with what they are feeling.  When  feelings are not experienced or expressed , they interfere with healthy relationships and get in the way of health promoting behaviors.

 

For example,  if we are depressed, and don’t  adequately recognize or handle this negative feeling, we tend to withdraw from others, and behave in ways that undermine health.  The unresolved  sad feelings can lead to such non-productive thoughts as “why bother being social, or with exercise or diet, it’s all so hopeless anyway”.  Compromised relationships, increased alcohol consumption, poor compliance with medical regimes,  and disturbed sleep patterns often follow upon the heels of undiagnosed depression.

 

 If we are angry, and don’t acknowledge our anger to ourselves or others, we cannot discharge these dangerous feelings appropriately.  We may become too explosive, or go the other way and become non- assertive.  The anger can fuel such self-defeating thoughts as, “no one can tell me what to do, I’ll do what I want even if it kills me”.  Studies have found that undischarged anger can increase blood pressure, release damaging stress hormones, and affect cardiovascular reactivity. 

 

Or, if we are anxious, and keep these feelings hidden, we don’t learn how to handle our feelings and we don’t grow.  We may shrink or withdraw when we should be working through our doubts and fears.  “ I’m just too stressed out to take on more work, or to exercise or watch my diet”, would be a thought that could interfere with healthy behaviors. 

 

                3)HIDING FEELINGS HURTS RELATIONSHIPS

 

Finally, it is very difficult to receive genuine love and affection from people who don’t know who you really are. By keeping your true feelings to yourself, you deprive yourself of the experience of being loved deeply and unconditionally.  Research has demonstrated conclusively that intimacy is particularly beneficial for heart patients.   Mortality was significantly higher for heart patients who had no one to confide in.  Feelings of being loved and emotionally supported are more important predictors of the severity of blockages than are hypertension, smoking, cholesterol and other risk factors.  Even having a pet can help.  Four times as many people who did not own pets died after a heart attack than pet owners.  Many of the leaders I coached experienced serious marital and family problems, reflecting difficulties with intimacy.

 

WE HIDE FEELINGS BECAUSE WE ARE AFRAID

 

Many of us have learned that the expression of our true feelings can get us into trouble.  We have learned to hide our feelings for fear of disapproval, rejection or other negative consequences.  Keeping our feelings close to the vest has some survival value, at least in the short run.  A  leader might correctly conclude that weakness could be exploited by his enemies. He puts on a strong face to guard against being exposed.  The problem is the long term toll on health that comes with his being constantly on guard.

 

 If we are on guard all the time, we eventually have trouble recognizing who we really are or even what we really feel.  For example, as a child, I could not show my anger without getting severely punished.  Nor could I allow myself to experience sadness without putting an additional burden on my already stressed mother. Whenever feelings like anger or depression threatened to break through my attempts to suppress them, I would get anxious and fearful. Over time, feelings that are not expressed, are not experienced.  It took  nearly all the courage I could muster to admit to myself that I had a problem recognizing my feelings.  I could not have started the journey towards emotional intelligence without this crucial first step.

 

Many leaders who are at risk for heart disease, have difficulty coming out from behind their  masks because they are  secretly embarrassed or ashamed.   Ridiculed or humiliated as children, these leaders have not recovered from the painful experiences of their childhood. They may try to put these painful memories out of  mind, or dismiss them as irrelevant or unproductive,  but it is not possible to legislate them away.  Unfortunately, these suppressed emotional experiences take a toll on our hearts.

 

There are a significant number of executives, however, who defend against the notion that there were any difficulties in their early backgrounds, or any “weakness” in their character.  They appear to regard the admission of problems in childhood as “disloyal” to their parents, or dismiss harsh treatment from their parents as “well deserved discipline”.  These individuals may have suffered greatly, but have blocked their painful feelings from themselves.  Their defensiveness increases the risk of heart disease, and makes the work of the executive coach that much more difficult.

 

BECOMING AUTHENTIC

 

To be authentic requires coming out from behind our masks.  Becoming authentic entails the profound task of avoiding self deception and hidden agendas.  Authenticity requires courage; being vulnerable, sticking your neck out.  To be authentic means to examine one’s self and one’s relationships in the community of other human beings.  To help determine if you are being authentic, ask yourself the following questions:

 

1)  Do I follow up my intentions to act with action?

2)  Do I walk the talk, do what I say others should do and mean what I say?

3)  Do I reveal all sides of an action, not just the positive ones?

4)  Do I take responsibility for being understood?

5)  Do I seek common ground so it is easier to bridge differences?

6)  Do I avoid manipulation?

7)  Am I too quick to defend myself?

8)  Are my values crystal clear to myself and others?

 

Self disclosure, being authentic, coming out from behind our masks.  These are difficult for us to achieve.  But the payoff is enormous, both in terms of the company’s bottom line, and in personal health.  Self disclosure prolongs life by creating close relationships and allowing catharsis.  “What you don’t share, you wear”, is my crude way of saying that you accumulate negative feelings when you do not allow yourself to experience or express them.  You become much more vulnerable to sudden intense stress when you are not in the habit of dealing with daily stresses in emotionally intelligent ways.

 

 

THE HEART IS MORE THAN A MECHANICAL PUMP

 

Many people regard the heart merely as a pump that needs to be unclogged or bypassed on occasion.  My experience indicates that the heart is an emotional organ, highly affected by feelings and experiences.  Researchers found that people who developed heart disease were 40 percent less likely to laugh in humorous situations than those with healthy hearts.  Why are heart patients so serious?  In my opinion, many of my clients who developed heart disease had  childhood experiences which were anything but humorous, as portrayed below.

 

“I was about four years old.  My father was leaving on a train for war.  Everyone was crying and I was frightened.  He was killed when I was five.  My mother was devastated.  She became very close to me, but when she remarried  I felt abandoned by her too.  She threatened to keep me from my grandmother if I didn’t behave.  She made me feel like a sissy when I cried.  I was angry all the time but afraid to show it.”

 

“My father was hospitalized when I was two, the first of many times.  When home, he used to scream out in pain and I was scared.  My mother had to work to support the family and there was no one to soothe my fears.  My father used to hit me whenever I was too noisy.  He called me stupid, and threatened to hurt me further,  if I didn’t behave.”

 

These stories were reported by courageous individuals who were considered to be captains in industry.  I have seen other leaders however, who have repressed their early traumatic experiences to the degree that they cannot recapture them.  

 

THE CHILDHOOD EXPERIENCES OF LEADERS

 

In his masterful work,  Leading Minds, Howard Gardiner notes that many of the leaders he studied ‘had childhood’s that were marked by loneliness, isolation, or frankly antisocial behavior.”  Future leaders often suffered the trauma of losing a parent at an early age, or had extremely negative relationships with a parent, forcing a kind of precocious dependence on the self.   Winston Churchill believed that “famous men are usually the product of an unhappy childhood”.   He saw adversity, slights and taunts in the early years of future leaders as creating a ruthless fixity of purpose in these leaders.

 

In modern times less than 10% of the U.S. population loses a parent at a young age, says Harvard scientist Phyllis Silverman.  Yet more than half of British prime ministers have suffered that fate, as well as such U.S. Presidents as Washington, Jefferson, Lincoln, FDR, Cleveland and Clinton.  So did business titans Rupert Murdock and Ted Turner.  In a study of grief and greatness, Marvin Eisenstadt looked at eminent people worthy of at least a page in the Britannica encyclopedia and found that these figures were three times as likely to have suffered an early loss.

 

Research shows that many children who suffered trauma grow up to have ”Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome”, a condition in which they are easily triggered by events, similar to what happens to a number of combat veterans.  It is interesting that many adult soldiers diagnosed with PTSS develop heart disease.

Is it too much of a stretch to reach the following conclusion?    Traumatic events in childhood can create the conditions for later success as a leader, as well as placing that leader at risk for heart disease.

 

 

Most of the executive leaders I have coached experienced  backgrounds that were similar to the above, in that they were forced to rely upon themselves at an early age, and became excessively controlling.  One male leader, intensely hurt by parents who made him attend dance lessons, and authority figures who rejected him, later became a fierce warrior in Corporate America.  Another leader was so conditioned to be a “good boy” by his parents, that he was totally unaware of his intense anger and its  impact on his job performance. Both leaders wore masks to hide their vulnerability.

 

EMOTIONAL HIJACKING

 

There is a place in the brain, the emotional center, that  is capable of hijacking both our intellect and our values.  When thinking and the processing of values are controlled by emotions outside of awareness, bad things happen.  Under the control of powerful, hidden emotions, the leader may develop attitudes and behaviors that are destructive to relationships and to health.  He may attempt to rationalize his behaviors with little appreciation of the reality of a situation.  Overrun by blind emotions, the leader’s values are at  risk of becoming situationally determined.  When this happens,  inconsistency in behaviors becomes the norm, and employee trust plummets.  Leaders who are driven by blind emotions tend to serve only themselves.  In such circumstances, there is little empathy or regard for others. 

 

 A Leader functions best when the three parts of his identity (values, emotions and intellect) are in harmony, and when values represent the leading subsystem in identity.  Leaders who mask their emotions are more subject to emotional hijacking.  How this works, and its impact on the heart follows.

 

MISTAKING THE PAST FOR THE PRESENT

 

Whenever something happens in the present that is perceived as  dangerous to us, it is compared to stored memories in the emotional centers, to see if there is a match.  If a match is determined,  signals are sent to the fight or flight centers for rapid response.  All this works beautifully when a split second means the difference between being hurt or being safe.  There is no time for the slower reasoning centers of the brain to deliberate.

 

There are several problems with this wiring design, despite the obvious advantages in terms of survival.  First the mechanism that calls the current situation similar to a previous stored memory is sloppy and imprecise.  The mechanism is great if you are a deer, where survival may depend upon a quick response. But as a person, you may find yourself readily activated, stressed and triggered for flight or fight at times when no real threat is present.

 

 For example, if you were constantly ridiculed for being “stupid” as a child, you will be highly sensitive to potential criticism of your intelligence.  Not knowing something you “should have” known, can kick off a full fledged stress reaction, complete with heightened blood pressure, sweating, and  tightened muscles ready for flight or flight.  Although an adult, you will  react as if the current situation is the same as when you were a child, even though the differences are great. 

 

You risk emotional hijacking any time something unwittingly reminds you of earlier traumas.   Many leaders who suffered early traumatic experiences, attempt to defend themselves from re-experiencing the pain by compulsive working or by pretending to be stronger than they feel.  This rarely works in the long run.

 

BARRIERS TO AUTHENTICITY

 

To be authentic requires that we manage our emotions in such a way as to minimize emotional hijacking.  This process is easier said than done.  Peter Drucker, well known management consultant stated that deep changes in personality, values, beliefs and aspirations are “a rare existential event, and one against which the basic psychological forces of every human being are strongly organized”.  Drucker the philosopher states what neuophysiologists and psychologists know from research and experience;  there is a good deal of “resistance” to change. The acquisition of emotional intelligence therefore can only occur when there is compelling enough reason to break through barriers.  The competitive position of the company, and the health of the leader should be two such compelling reasons.

 

Finally, many leaders were trained or conditioned by parents and teachers to “fit in” or be a “good child”.  Their personalities were more or less imposed upon them.  They tend to react to distressing situations with a victim/blaming response, much like they were treated when they were “bad”.  A leader with a  conditioned personality does not adapt well in a rapidly changing world, because he looks to others for answers, rather than within himself.  He is therefore less able to learn from experience, less capable of self managed learning and less able to learn good lessons from bad experiences.  Such a leader needs to understand the ways in which his trained personality  may be a source of stress, as well as a barrier to learning and to authentic interactions.

 

THE WISDOM OF SELF-DISCLOSURE

 

When there is no awareness of feelings, or when there is shame and embarrassment at the thought of being known,  it becomes difficult for us to share our feelings.  Jourard, in  The Transparent Self, stated that “No man can come to know himself except as an outcome of disclosing himself to another person”.  In other words, you get to know who you are only after you express yourself to others.  So, to be successful as a leader, and to load the dice in favor of a long and productive life, you must force yourself to share your feelings, as often as possible in appropriate ways.

 

The only way to get rid of our fear of self disclosure, is to go out and self disclose.  The doing it comes BEFORE the fear goes away.  Pushing through the fear of self disclosure is less damaging to the heart than pretending that you are what you are not.   To be authentic we must recognize and handle our fear of being known.  Intimacy and healing depend upon our success in laying down our facades.

 

GETTING IN TOUCH WITH YOUR VALUES

 

 Not too long ago I discovered that being a helper was not what I really valued.  By helping, I was often making people dependent on me.  Now I help people to help themselves, and I find that much more satisfying.  Perhaps you will discover that you value originality, that creating things from scratch really turns you on.  You can let that value drive your behaviors.  By keeping your hand on the steering wheel,  you are less likely to be subject to high winds and emotional storms.

 

By getting in touch with your deepest values, and allowing them to direct your life, you are less subject to the storms brought on by undischarged emotions. Your value center remains constant in a sea of shifting emotions, and endless rationalizations.  The problem is that many leaders at risk for heart disease do not know their deepest values.  This is particularly true of leaders who have spent their lives responding to external rewards, rather than focusing within.  Often these leaders can recite rules that they have followed, and beliefs that have influenced them, but are often tuned out to their deepest values.

 

 This is because many at risk leaders grow up in crisis mode, where  survival is job one.  As a child there is simply no time to explore and reflect upon who one really is.  As a child the unreflective leader  had  few opportunities to do what turns him on and lights him up, and little in the way of positive reinforcement for pursuing his passions.  Thus, it is hard to see what is really important to him, what he truly values.  It is difficult to communicate a clear vision to your employees when you are not in touch with your values.

 

But as an adult, a leader can get in touch with values by asking a few questions.

 

1)  What do others value in you? 

2)  What do you do that causes you to forget about time? 

3)  Was there a moment that inspired you, caused you to think, and make some kind of change or     

4)  Was there a success that came after hard work and dedication? 

5)  What knowledge would you like to pass on to others?

6)   How would you like to be remembered?

 

The answers to these questions could help you get in touch with what you really value.  Your life can then be about living consistent with who you really are, what you truly value.  For example, if you value relationships, you could ask yourself at any time, “Is what I am now doing bringing me closer to this person, or further away?  If you value the relationship, you may give up on”being right” about an argument in favor of preserving close feelings.

 

TEACHING EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

 

Emotional intelligence is best learned through a multi-sensory approach.  By engaging different senses, the executive can train himself efficiently.  A program should include the viewing and discussion of several classic movies,  readings of selected books and articles, role playing, homework assignments, and examination of here and now experiences to stimulate as many pathways to the brain as possible.  

 

Research in neurophysiolgy has demonstrated that the emotional centers in the brain are difficult to change.  Significant limbic system change usually takes about a year, and enduring change is highly dependent  upon the quality of social interaction.  This discovery explains why enduring change cannot occur by intellectual insight alone or outside of a significant relationship. 

 

 

THE HEART OF LEADERSHIP

 

In summary, Emotional Intelligence is at the Heart of Leadership.  The emotionally intelligent leader has the following characteristics

 

1) The ability to recognize and manage his emotions.

2) A highly fluid, many sided  personality composed of a broad range of personality opposites

3) Access to clear values

4) The courage to be himself

5) The ability to share himself authentically, even in the presence of fear

6) The courage to overcome barriers to self reflection

7) The ability to empathize with a diverse range of people

 

Leaders who demonstrate Emotional Intelligence inspire loyalty, and trust, retain talent, create atmospheres in which creative ideas flourish and have better bottom lines.  No less important, emotional intelligence is a protective force in the battle against the nation’s number one killer, heart disease.  Leaders with emotional  intelligence are able to discharge toxic emotions which effect the heart.  Secondly, they are able to create intimate relationships which protect the heart.  Finally, they manage their emotions in ways that promote heart healthy behaviors.

 

Leaders who are inauthentic or self deceptive often face difficulties retaining talent, inspiring trust, and remaining competitive.  Perhaps more discomforting, leaders who wear masks increase their odds of succumbing to a heart attack.  Continuous secretion of stress hormones, unhealthy behaviors, and compromised relationships increase the risk of heart disease, particularly  in those leaders who already have one or more of the known risk factors.  

 

Leaders with emotional intelligence are more likely to have a “Survivor Personality”.  Their endorsement of a combination of personality opposites allows emotionally intelligent leaders to empathize with a diverse set of people, promoting social harmony and shared values.  Such a leader maximizes his chances of  creating a vibrant and competitive company, as well as increasing his longevity.

 

In contrast, leaders with an “At Risk” personality have unipolar personality traits, the product of defensiveness.  Disowning or denying significant aspects of himself creates blindspots in the leader.  The “banishment” of large parts of himself,  leaves the leader vulnerable to excessive stress and makes him less adaptive to change in the workplace.

 

Emotional Intelligence increases the odds of long term survival for the company, as well as the company’s leader.  Leaders who are able to recognize and manage their own emotions, and can draw upon a wide range of personality traits, increase the bottom line and maximize their chances of survival.

 

TIPS FOR SUCCESS

 

Here are some things that you could do to help yourself become emotionally intelligent.  Keep in mind that these tips are useful to the degree that they are practiced regularly.  You are as likely to create transformational changes by reading a list of tips, as you are to perfect your golf game by reading a book.

 

1)  Select a friend who is sympathetic and encouraging and arrange to meet with him or her on a regular basis.  Share your feelings with this trusted friend, honestly and authentically.

2)  Expose yourself to whatever you are afraid of, rather than withdraw.  Recognizing and confronting  fears strengthens the personality.

3)  Write down what you dislike in others to see if perhaps you have disowned these traits in yourself.  Try to put yourself in the shoes of those people that you dislike, seeing the world through their eyes. They may help you to identify  repudiated aspects of yourself.  Try to recapture some of these traits, to broaden your personality.

4)  Pay attention to your thoughts.  They can trigger negative emotions.  Recognize when you are being too judgmental, or have too high expectations, or experience wounded pride, or push people away with your words.

5)  Try to put your emotions in words.  People who are at risk for heart disease are often  unable to identify when they are angry or sad, or even anxious.

6)  Learn to give yourself instructions to control your behaviors and emotions.  Give yourself a pep talk to work through frustrating circumstances.  Rehearse in your imagination what you want to accomplish.

7)  Handle your emotions by recognizing and honoring them.  What you resist, persists.  So it’s better to express what you feel then to suppress it (assuming you do this in ways that people can tolerate).

8)  See yourself “at cause” in your life, rather than a victim of events.  Whatever shows up in front of you, try to find out what you had to do with it.

9)  Be an optimist.  Try to see the positive side to what’s happening now, the lessons that can be learned from even negative situations.

10)  See yourself as a “giver”, rather than a “taker”.  Giving of yourself, your feelings, thoughts,ideas, time, love and appreciation does as much for you as for others.  Mentoring others is a valuable gift.

11)  Write down how you want to be remembered, to help get in touch with your values.

12  )Let you values pull you into the future, rather than allow yourself to be pushed into the future by past conditioning.

13)  Get in touch with your “shoulds” and replace them with wants, wishes and desires, in order to give yourself more choice in your life, and put yourself under less pressure.

14)  When under stress, stop what you are doing and try to remember a time when you felt love, care or appreciation.  Recalling the feeling of joy or delight is incompatible with the feeling of stress.

15)  Don’t presume that people can read your mind.

16)  Encourage others to tell you the truth.  Let them know that this includes bad news.

17)  Counterbalance a tendency towards seriousness with a spirit of playfulness.

18)  Accept and appreciate your inborn ability to be both one way and its opposite, serious and playful, angry and forgiving.